6.4.13

Men. Why I love them.

There's a reason I love having men friends.
It follows from the equation I have with my dad.
It's easy to talk and share and laugh and well talk. It is a safe space where I feel loved and where I feel like I'm trusted and can trust. Trust.

This is what happens with my men friends.
They talk and tease and spill their worst fears and share secrets about their love lives and their women (no I really don't want to know about their women, trust me) and drink with me. My dad introduced me to whiskey.

I don't have very many women friends. And the ones I have, I love. I love them because they see and love me for me. But there's always a part of me that has an incredible fear of losing them. To other people. To other people who are better (so goes the irrational fear) than I am in some way. That is the equation I have with my mom. 

But something happened this past year.

I lost someone I was really close with. A man friend. Not for any other reason but because he'd decided I wasn't good enough, not normal in some way. And that was that. Just like that, he moved on. Moved on.

I, still believing in the good of people, believed this lie. That I was not ok. That something was so odd about me, it lead someone to not see me or speak to me unless I'd fit some pattern. I believed that lie. As I always have for the better part of my life.

This space in which I'd always felt safe, loved and trusted, was now desecrated. Then one day, all hell broke loose. I realised that I was ok. Not only am I fine as I am, I am going to have to let go of this friend. I could not undo the hurt I'd caused myself, but I could heal myself by allowing myself to love and be loved again. It would not do to retreat, to hide behind childish rules. The only way out of this corrosive numbness (is that a word) was to deliberately seek to trust and love again. This is new territory. The old me, before this whole experience, would never do this. And therein I think lies the blessing of this whole saga. For the first time in my life, I've decided that I must, simply MUST, actively choose to put myself back in that space.

And here's what's happened. That act of trusting, God and Universe, has paid off. And how!
This new person popped up on the scene. Someone I didn't know I'd be friends with. Someone who said this to me today - "I got your back." But the bigger surprise was this - someone I have known for a while now, allowed me into his life. These new men friends made it perfectly fine for me to be that weirdo that I am. To find the strength to be able to trust myself again. To trust my judgment. And who've actively shown me that they will step in and protect me.

I'm seeing my dad in 2 weeks. It's been 18 months since we last saw each other.
And this much is true, I cannot wait to go home.

5.4.13

5 avril - Day 5 of 40 Days of Gratitude

For prayer warriors.
And peeps who made it easier for me to let go and let this wash over.
And for the dudes who make me tea and share cookies and don't flinch when I say 'I love you' and will hug on demand.
In the words of the contemporary poetess Pink, 'I am a rock star, I got my rock moves...'


4.4.13

4 avril - Day 4 of 40 Days of Gratitude


Whiskey and gorgeous whiskey peeps and peeps who say 'Whiskey tonight?'. 


(As for gin cocktails and wine on a school night...)

3.4.13

3 avril - Day 3 of 40 Days of Gratitude


Being able to talk through the current kerfuffle in my head and heart with some amazing peeps. (You know who you are and I love you! :*) 


I am so gonna beat (up) this funk.

2.4.13

2 avril - Day 2 of 40 Days of Gratitude

Having a home away from home. 
To know there is a place where the sun shines, that it's HOT in that sunshine, there are friends to hug, a dad to laugh with, and a favourite 7-yr old. 

Mumbai, I cannot wait to see you. :*

1.4.13

1 avril - Day 1 of 40 Days of Gratitude


Blessed to be with a boy who will make me endless cups of tea on a cold, grey day.
#GratitudeProject

The Gratitude Project

What I've wanted to do for 3 months of this year is come back to my blog and jumpstart the life I recall having.
I've had enough days when I've thought - now there's something I should blog about. Then extinguished that spark before it saw the light of day (Really EG, quit with the puns already).

A few years ago, I tried to do the 40 Days of Happiness. I struggled. I really struggled.
For while I am someone who's tried desperately to be the whole 'happiness is a state of mind, not a state of affairs' kinda person - I failed. I found myself swimming against the current and losing hope. And happiness is fuelled by hope and love. Without that, life is nada.

So. Back to now.
This year I have just one goal, just one purpose - to own my truth. To own my whole truth. To live it, to love with it, to speak it, to mean it.
If I'm weird, I'm going to be a beautiful shade of weird.
If I'm surreal, then I'm going to do it wholeheartedly.
If I'm angry, I'm going to verbalise the upset and work through it and let it go.
If I love something or someone, I'm going to do it wholeheartedly, no conditions, no measures.
I will not delude myself about competition or comparison, for neither interests me.
I will shine. Sparkle. Glow. Beam.

And I will forgive. I have got to let go of those who will not treat me with love and respect.
All my life, I have believed that holding on to those I'm supposed to love and forgiving them the disrespect pointed in my direction, will lead to peace and make me good in the eyes of my God. That is a lie.
God loves me for being the weak piece of s*** I am. And that's never going to change. Phew.

Starting today, I'm embarking on 40 Days of Gratitude.
The first goal is to stay focused on gratitude - for what is. I am not going to throw myself into circumstances in which I think I may find gratitude or happiness. I am going to be grateful for what is. Even if it is a dull, cold, grey day. And the other goal is to find peace - the only way to do this is for me to practice forgiveness. Shit's gonna happen, stuff's gonna hurt, life's going to be a bitch, and karma's prolly gonna bite me in the ass a few times over. But I will practice forgiveness.

It is time to own the truth.


1.1.13

A whole new year. To start over.

Here I am, back out of hiding. Coming up for air. Taking a break from wallowing in this hole stuffed brimming with denial and from a stupidly long pity party.

So 2012 was hard. It was too hard. I'm still standing but that's a whole other story.
I want to seem peaceful and all zenned out. And radiate an all-knowing light that comes from self-awareness. And thank man and God for the fabulous life I lead.

The truth is I made it to this side alright. I just didn't think I would come out jaded and grieving. Because what else would you be when you lose the people and things that matter?

However, as I said to a beloved peep only the other week - everything will work out. Everything always finds a way to work itself out.




5.9.12

Just as I've learned. Ta da.

For those who are not frightened by the solitude, everything will have a different taste.

In solitude, they will discover the love that might otherwise arrive unnoticed. In solitude, they will understand and respect the love that left them.

In solitude, they will be able to decide whether it is worth asking that lost love to come back or if they should simply let it go and set off along a new path.

In solitude, they will learn that saying ‘No’ does not always show a lack of generosity and that saying ‘Yes’ is not always a virtue.

And those who are alone at this moment, need never be frightened by the words of the devil: ‘You’re wasting your time.’

Or by the chief demon’s even more potent words: ‘No one cares about you.’

The Divine Energy is listening to us when we speak to other people, but also when we are still and silent and able to accept solitude as a blessing.

And when we achieve that harmony, we receive more than we asked for.

~ Manuscript Found in Accra

29.8.12

beam, saunter, strut, smile

If you can make just one person smile today, if only by giving them one of yours, Avril, it just might change their entire week... which just might change their entire life.

I know these things,
    The Universe

PS: Truly, Avril, your smile could launch 1,000 ships, warm 10,000 hearts, or power a small kitchen appliance.

* EG collapses into heaps of giggles *